I wrote this for you years ago, but I never shared it. Now, here we are.

~

I know it’s selfish to ask you to hang on.
I know it’s selfish to ask you to keep struggling.
I know it’s selfish of me to force you to stay here.
I know it’s selfish to want you to stay with us.

I know you think no one can see your pain,
and I know you think we wouldn’t care anyway.
I know you wish you didn’t have to fight so hard
in a war you no longer want any part.

I know you’re sick of hearing life gets better.
I know you feel like life will go on, so it doesn’t matter.
I know there’s nothing I can do to change how you see you.
And I know that only you can find what you’re looking for.

I know you’ve been hurt and scarred
by others and by yourself.
I know you’re done trying
to fill the shadow you’re in.
I know you’ve seen enough hate
to fill a lifetime over.
And yet, you’re still forced to live
here where no one cares.

And you know, I know it’s selfish
for me to ask this deed of you.
Because I already know firsthand
there are things that you’ve gone through.

I know it’s selfish to ask for another battle.
I know it’s selfish to ask you to burn a little longer.
I may not know the real you; maybe no one does,
but that doesn’t matter to me for now.

I know you’ve heard leaving for yourself is selfish.
I know you’ve been scolded, “Think of those you’ll leave behind.
How could you consider doing such a thing?
Think of the family and friends you’ll hurt.”
I want you to know, even though those words sting,
and fill you with anger and spite and desperation,
those people are the selfish ones,
Because they can’t bear losing you, because they love you too.

I know it’s selfish to ask a candle to burn longer:
the wax is gone, the will to shine, the wick close to nothing.
I know it’s selfish, but I ask,
Will you keep your light aflicker?

I know it’s selfish to ask you to stick around while you’re in so much pain.
You want to find some relief, I know you do, and I’m not here to stop you.
I just want you to remember, however long that it takes, I’ll find you again.
And I know it’s selfish.

But you know what? I’m selfish.
And I’d rather have you here already,
from beginning to the end.